


Saw the Flame, Tasted Sin (You Burned Me Once Again)

by iktwabrokenbone (apiculteur)



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cliche, Homophobia, Introspection, Love Confessions, M/M, but not that much bc im crap at angst, kinda angsty??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 13:39:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2583377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiculteur/pseuds/iktwabrokenbone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler is homophobic. Josh is unwillingly in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saw the Flame, Tasted Sin (You Burned Me Once Again)

**Author's Note:**

> i rewatched kill your darlings and i wanted to write tyler with all of the homophobia/self hatred that dane dehaan has in that film. far less sad tho. tyler is less of a dick. also its almost 5am so sorry this is shit. i can already sense the regret i will feel tomorrow, but at least i got past my writers block??
> 
> title from aberdeen by cage the elephant

Josh smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and it looked almost too large for his face. Tyler thought he looked like his body couldn't quite contain all his happiness, like it ended up seeping out, leaking into the air around him. Maybe that was why Tyler couldn't help but be happy around Josh. He was absorbing all of Josh's excess happiness.

Because he was. He was always happy around Josh, always forgetting about his worries, or spilling them out to Josh. His heart would beat faster, like it wanted to be more alive around Josh. He wanted to be alive for Josh, or because of Josh. He wasn't quite sure which- maybe it was both- but he knew it was because of Josh.

It was distracting, really. He spent so long staring at Josh, thinking about him, or texting him when he was trying to write. It wasn't like he didn't have things in his life other than Josh, but Josh was his best friend, of course he was going to think about him, and something about him was strange. Not necessarily in a bad way. Maybe strange wasn't the word for it, maybe different would work better.

Josh was different, and Tyler couldn't shoo him away from his mind. At times, he would almost think deeper about it, but he and Josh were _friends_ , and Tyler wasn't gay. He almost scoffed at the idea, but he was too disgusted. He shuddered instead, because, no, he definitely wasn't queer, and he liked it that way.

***

There was nothing on TV, so they were watching some random channel, playing some sort of sitcom with half way decent jokes and plot lines. Tyler was resting against Josh as he normally did when a couple of men kissed on screen. He made a disgusted sound.

"Dude, change the channel," he told Josh, looking away.

Josh looked confused. "Why?"

"Didn't you see?" he asked, then continued at Josh's blank look. "Those two men _kissed_."

Josh sighed, looking disappointed as he pushed Tyler off him. "And?"

"I'm not going to watch something with queers in it. It's disgusting."

"Why? What about it is disgusting?" He sounded angry, and Tyler resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"It's unnatural and wrong."

Tyler was pretty sure Josh was gritting his teeth. "What if one of your friends wasn't straight?"

"I wouldn't become friends with someone gay."

"What if I was queer? What if I liked men, had dated men?" he asked, and there was something in the way he was spitting out the words, jaw tight and back too tense. There was a look in his eyes, like he knew he was sinking his own ship. He was smiling bitterly, in a way he should never smile. Tyler wanted him to smile like he was overflowing with joy, not like he was sentencing himself to death. Like a small part of him was enjoying this, enjoying the self destruction, the predictable reactions, the control he had before it all fell away and he realised he was crashing. "What if I liked men, and I loved you?"

Tyler's face crumpled, as much with disgust as betrayal. He had trusted Josh implicitly, had told him everything, had held his hand and rested his head on his shoulder, and Josh had probably been able to pretend it was more than friendship. "Josh?" he asked.

Josh didn't say anything, just stood up and left. He looked close to tears before he left the room, and Tyler didn't know how to react. He wanted to tell Josh it was alright, to hug him and wipe away the tears, but he was _gay_. It wasn't right.

He sat for some time, he hadn't a clue how long, before he went to bed. He would sleep, wake up and realise this was a dream. He had to stop himself from walking into Josh's room and curling up beside him. He was _gay_.

***

Josh didn't speak to him for the next week, and Tyler was getting antsy. He didn't know what to do when he couldn't turn to tell him whatever he was thinking, whether it was something silly and inane or some massive existential question.

He could go to Josh and say it was alright, say it was fine as long as he kept a distance between them, but they had been best friends for years. They wouldn't be able to be near each other without touching, and Josh wouldn't let him accept only Josh. He would want Tyler to be completely accepting of all gay people, not just Josh.

He didn't quite know who to hate, so he slept. Sleeping was the best way to make decisions.

***

He was cautious. He wasn't sure he really wanted to read much about gays, because he didn't like them. Honestly, he could hardly bare the thought of them, but if anyone could get him to try accept them, it was Joshua Dun. He was doing this for Josh, because he looked wrong when he was too pale, eyes bloodshot and with purple bags, no smile. He would take a step back when he saw Tyler now, go back into his bedroom, and Tyler was sure he wasn't eating half as much as he should do.

It was weird, really, because he just meant to try to understand it, to stop hating the gays for Josh's sake, but he ended up searching up all sorts of things, learning about what it meant to be bisexual and asexual and demisexual, about intersex and trans and non binary people, about romantic orientations and all sorts of things he hadn't thought existed.

It was even more strange, then, that he wasn't disgusted by them. That he was reading through stories from queer and trans and intersex people and thinking that the people who didn't accept them were assholes, realising that he was an asshole, or had been one at least. Because he didn't hate them anymore.

Sure, it would take some time for him to remember all of these things, what they meant, reminding himself what he should and shouldn't say, but he was fine with it. He wasn't that much of an asshole.

He had a few happy seconds of relishing in that fact before he realised that was a lie. He was an asshole, because Josh was in he room beside him, wasting away and seemingly not giving a damn. Josh, who liked men. Josh, who loved him. Josh, who was _in love_ with him.

He spent another few seconds, sitting there and panicking, before he practically sprinted to Josh's room, knocking into him as he was walking out of his room. Josh retreated, and Tyler had to stop the door with his hand. "Wait," he said, and his voice couldn't ever possibly convey how immensely sorry he was. "I'm sorry."

Josh didn't move, so Tyler tried to gently open the door more.

"Please. I don't hate you. I don't hate queer people," he said. He felt helpless. Words weren't enough, apologies couldn't make up for his years of hatred, and he knew it. Josh certainly knew it too, but they were best friends, each other's weakness, so the door swung open. Josh looked like a zombie, with only a flicker of pain, an acceptance that he would regret talking to Tyler later, in his eyes stopping them from looking dead.

"I've been thinking about it, and I was looking it up on the internet, and I'm a horrible person, I know it. I know I can't ask you for forgiveness, I know I don't deserve it, but I don't want to lose you," Tyler said, and it was so obvious that he was pleading.

Josh continued to be silent, didn't interrupt his stream of words, so Tyler just kept going.

"I'm so, so sorry Josh. I'm sorry. I love you," he said, and Josh was closing the door on him. "Josh, please-"

Josh sighed, and he looked so tired, Josh shouldn't ever look so tired and emotionless, past the point of caring. "Look, maybe you've accepted me being bisexual, but you can't honestly tell me you're in love with me. You're probably just making too much of your newfound acceptance." The door closed fully, and Tyler couldn't stop him, knew it would only make Josh look more worn out. He walked to his bedroom, and didn't cry, because he knew he deserved it, that he had been so much worse to Josh.

He couldn't even find it in himself to be surprised about his own admission of love. He _did_ love Josh, had always loved Josh, and it wasn't so shocking, now that he wasn't surrounding himself with forced heterosexuality, to realise he wasn't as straight as he thought he was. It made sense, and the ache in his chest only helped to confirm that he definitely loved Josh, that he was a massive asshole and it was his own fault for missing that chance.

***

Josh was sitting at the kitchen table when Tyler dragged himself out of bed. He glanced up when Tyler walked in, but didn't leave or stop eating his cereal. Tyler got himself some toast as quietly as possible, sat in the furthest away seat from him. He wanted to sit next to him, talk about something useless like he normally would, but he didn't want to frighten Josh away, even though he was the obviously most nervous of the two of them.

"You can sit closer than that," Josh said. He wasn't normally quite so straight forward about things, but it was calming. Tyler shuffled across a few chairs, until he was sitting opposite Josh. There was a tiny smile on Josh's face, one which Tyler couldn't help but return.

"Do you believe me?" Tyler asked, trying to be as quiet as possible, let Josh ignore him if he wanted to.

Josh looked at him, considering, and Tyler tried not to worry at his lip or pick at his nails too much. "I might," he said, and that was enough for Tyler to relax. "If your still sure in a couple of weeks, we'll see, okay?"

Tyler nodded. "Sounds sick," he said, and he was trying very, _very_ hard not to grin, because that was perfect. Two weeks was nothing. He was willing to wait far longer for Josh.

**Author's Note:**

> made a [writing blog](http://iktwabrokenbone.tumblr.com/ask) a week or two ago, so thats the place to go for prompts and shit now. (it keeps changing, sorry. its gonna stick here tho.)


End file.
